a lot on the mind...

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I have a lot of things on my mind. 
That right there very well defines an “understatement”. 
Everybody ought to think, reflect. It’s healthy and quite honestly,
I don’t believe people take enough time to “un-plug” and just think
You know, without music in the background or other noise - Just you and your thoughts. Most often those are the moments in which we discover ourselves and resolve to do excellent and daring things. It’s those alone moments when the little whisper makes you feel you can conquer even the world.

Sometimes though, it’s those moments that I hate. 
Thinking is good, when you know how to do it. I will admit - because I know I’m not alone in this - that I’ve had to seek help when it comes to my thought process. You know, weekly visits to a professional who helped me learn how to “think right”. Be happy.  Because quite honestly, more than I like to admit, when I’m alone with my thoughts it can be very self-destructive. To a dysfunctional level. A non-functional level. 

I love to read. Not only because it’s an escape from reality, but because it also gives perspective on reality. Ralph Waldo Emerson, my absolute favorite thinker, said: “There is an optical illusion about every person we meet.” To me, that is reality.  And like the words of my favorite church hymn, “who am I to judge another when I walk imperfectly? In the quiet heart is hidden sorrows that the eye can’t see.” What am I getting at? Not quite sure, but 1 – it makes not feel so crazy and like I’m the only one that doesn’t have my life figured out.  
 2 – don’t judge a book by its cover. Ever. 
And be nice because you don’t know what people are going through. 

 Side note: that is one thing that really gets my blood boiling: judgments. prejudice/racial/cultural/social/at-a-first-glance or whatever judgments without really knowing enough to do so. Where we all get the mentality that we have the right to rank people is beyond me. Yes, circumstances vary… but one person is no better or less than any other, nor do they deserve any better or less, nor are they capable of any less. And I’m not saying I’m not guilty of having judged someone, because I have. We all do it, all the time. In fact, I often kick myself for assuming things before I really knew the truth. But, the point is, we almost never know everything that lies behind the “optical illusion” of each person.

As I stated before, I don’t really know where I’m going with all of this.
I just have a lot on my mind.

Very closely linked to my way of thinking is the fact that I’m indecisive. Or more I have a fear of making decisions - A fear that I’m going to really screw things up and that the consequences of my decisions will affect many more people than just myself. The cause and effect aspect of decisions is a truth, but in my head, I have myself convinced that all I do is make mistakes. I know it’s wrong to think that way, but I can’t help it. My mom once told me that the only smart decision I’ve made in my life was to serve a mission. I’m sure she would take the statement back if she really knew how much those kinds of things stick with me. But i’ve grown up feeling like I have to be perfect and that I’m a disappointment – maybe that wasn’t the intent, but somehow it’s what’s engrained in my head. I do realize perfection is unrealistic and that comparing oneself to perfection is an automatic set-up for feeling like a failure. But as far as my decisions go, I feel that my life timetable was pre-planned…pre-plotted out about what I was to accomplish and how and by when …and somehow I’ve managed to ruin every aspect of that plan. Failure by design. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me. Well , I do – I too easily convince myself that I suck at life and retain that negativity in my head, letting it fester. 
So here I am at 24, still no college degree, not married, full of ideas and aspirations for the future – yet terribly afraid of making any decisions for fear it will be the wrong one. 
At least I’m aware of what my problem is.  

MORAL OF THE STORY – never compare yourself or your life to others. It’s true, we all are so different and will accomplish things at different times of our lives. I do believe everything happens for a reason and each mistake teaches us something and molds us into the person we become. I also know there ARE bad decisions and we CAN become “good for nothing” or “go nowhere” if we don’t learn from them. Remember - Our lives are on the Lord’s timetable. Not the world’s. I think this is why I loathe so much this society that judges people so quick…you know, for not fitting the “ideal mold” of what is “supposed” to happen in our lives and by what age. Before you know it, you become a topic of people’s gossip conversation. I hate gossip. Again, not saying I don’t ever participate in it – but I wish I didn’t. it’s horrible and destructive. I think most of gossip anyway is people trying to feel better about their own messed up lives at the cost of someone else’s.   

Side note: I respect my dad a lot, for I cannot think of one time that he has ever participated in gossip. Not saying he doesn’t hear it all the time, I mean, he’s married to my mother – but he just listens. Information is only shared when absolutely necessary. And he is probably the only person I can think of that literally will not tell anybody something if you ask him not to. I appreciate that.

I’m also very grateful for friends. Besties. You can think out-loud to a true friend – and they will tell you the truth even if it’s not sugar-coated. Because they truly care.
Now usually I’m a very private person. I don’t divulge many of my personal feelings, thoughts, or happenings for the above reasons. It’s no one’s business. But, right now, I’m letting a little out only because it helps me see things clearer and because I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who feels any or all of this.   
Be true to yourself. 
Hearts do mend with time. There is never a lost or hopeless cause.

Don’t be a slave to the past. Mistakes are made. 
Learn to forgive – especially yourself – and move forward. 
Things have a tendency to right themselves.  
Faith is going forward, not knowing what is going to happen, but trusting. Just go for it.

Today, right now, for the first time is a long time, I know whatever happens,
I’ll be ok. 


momo the lemur said...

you are beautiful, talented and full of love!